How does it feel to grow up believing you aren’t good
enough? To grow up feeling your skin isn’t good, your hair isn’t good, your
weight isn’t good, and your actions aren’t good can effect a person’s
self-esteem.
I traded in my self-esteem.
I remember looking at myself in the mirror, after I have
learned to love myself, and just being grateful to God for who He is. It was
the love of Christ that I felt that allowed me to love myself, and others, as I
have stated before, but it was also the eyes of God that allowed me to see my
own beauty.
I traded in my self-esteem.
As I approach the age of 28, I am reminded of how timid, shy,
and afraid I was interacting with people. I was a coward who didn’t want to take
too many chances. I was a weakling who didn’t want to bulk up. I was in my own
poverty, with bad credit and debt, and felt like that was just how it would be.
I traded in my self-esteem.
From when I was younger, we would always sing in church “and
now, let the weak say, ‘I am strong’. Let the poor say, ‘I am rich,’ because of
what the Lord has done for us.” I always sang words of encouragement, but was
never encouraged, until it clicked (the word I use for “receiving an epiphany”).
Growing up, I was weak and poor (in my mind, and eventually in my bank
account), but I came to the point in my life where I didn’t want to stay that
way.
I remember being 19 years old when I started praying to God at
night, asking Him to not wake me up in the morning. I remember turning 20, and
my prayer didn’t change. About a month and a half after I turned 20, in 2009, I
went to go surprise my dad for his 50th birthday. I showed up at his
house out of the blue (I live in NY and he lives in SC). I remember being in
his car when he received a notification that his little brother sent him a very
nice monetary birthday present. My dad immediately began praising God. He told
me how he was just wondering how he was going to pay some of his bills, and God
used his little brother to bless him with more than what he needed. I also
remember my dad giving my $20.
Why did I no longer want to live before that moment? I was
hundreds of dollars overdrawn in my account, about a year past due on those
credit cards I stupidly opened in exchange for t-shirts and bags when I first
entered college, and I was getting calls multiple times a day, everyday, from
those bankers. It was too much pressure that I just knew I couldn’t recover
from. In my mind, the easiest solution was to just not be on this earth.
But, I traded in my self-esteem.
After seeing my dad blessed, and so happy to be blessed, it
encouraged me. ‘God took care of my daddy, will He take care of me?’ is what I
thought. And while I didn’t see the fruit of my answered prayer, I heard Him
respond, ‘Ask and you will receive.’ So I did. I asked God to show me that He
will take care of me. (That was when my daddy went to the bank and gave me $20
without me asking my daddy.)
So understanding that I had issues in my life, I learned
more about who God is, and who Jesus Christ is. I understood why weak people
said they were strong, and why poor people said they were rich. It was because
they traded who they were for who HE is.
I traded my self-esteem for CHRIST-esteem.
I began to speak over my life the promises of God. I began
to rely more on God for the things I needed. While the Lord wanted me to focus
on school, when I had my breaks He brought me places to where I could apply and
receive seasonal jobs. In the beginning of 2011, when I was 22, I told the
Lord, “I would like to pay off all my debt except for my student loans by the
end of next year.” I felt very brazen to ask such a request from God, so I got
nervous after I asked, but believed He could do it. Back then I always thought,
‘I know God can do it, but will He?’ Eventually, I heard Him loud enough
responding, ‘Yes, I will.’ Those words were the hope I held onto. November
2012, as I was in Chicago, I received a direct deposit from my school of money
left over after paying my tuition. Do you know what I did with that money?
FIRST, I paid tithes off of it. I was so grateful to God for
the lump sum that I couldn’t wait to give to my local church (especially since
they do so much for the community with feeding people, clothing people, and helping
people get jobs to better their own lives). SECOND, I paid off my credit card
debt so all I was left with was student loans. I told my aunt and she
responded, “You should’ve ask Him to pay off your student loans too.” She was
right, but I wasn’t that bold at that time.
I decided to take hold of who God says I am, His promises,
and His words, and as a result my life has been transformed. I no longer have a
low image of myself. I now see myself as being in Christ. And my life, and the
blessings on my life, reflect that everyday.
I traded my self-esteem for CHRIST-esteem!
Do you know who you are in Him? I encourage you to find out
through His word.
