I Traded My Self-Esteem

How does it feel to grow up believing you aren’t good enough? To grow up feeling your skin isn’t good, your hair isn’t good, your weight isn’t good, and your actions aren’t good can effect a person’s self-esteem.

I traded in my self-esteem.

I remember looking at myself in the mirror, after I have learned to love myself, and just being grateful to God for who He is. It was the love of Christ that I felt that allowed me to love myself, and others, as I have stated before, but it was also the eyes of God that allowed me to see my own beauty.

I traded in my self-esteem.

As I approach the age of 28, I am reminded of how timid, shy, and afraid I was interacting with people. I was a coward who didn’t want to take too many chances. I was a weakling who didn’t want to bulk up. I was in my own poverty, with bad credit and debt, and felt like that was just how it would be.

I traded in my self-esteem.

From when I was younger, we would always sing in church “and now, let the weak say, ‘I am strong’. Let the poor say, ‘I am rich,’ because of what the Lord has done for us.” I always sang words of encouragement, but was never encouraged, until it clicked (the word I use for “receiving an epiphany”). Growing up, I was weak and poor (in my mind, and eventually in my bank account), but I came to the point in my life where I didn’t want to stay that way.

I remember being 19 years old when I started praying to God at night, asking Him to not wake me up in the morning. I remember turning 20, and my prayer didn’t change. About a month and a half after I turned 20, in 2009, I went to go surprise my dad for his 50^th birthday. I showed up at his house out of the blue (I live in NY and he lives in SC). I remember being in his car when he received a notification that his little brother sent him a very nice monetary birthday present. My dad immediately began praising God. He told me how he was just wondering how he was going to pay some of his bills, and God used his little brother to bless him with more than what he needed. I also remember my dad giving my $20.

Why did I no longer want to live before that moment? I was hundreds of dollars overdrawn in my account, about a year past due on those credit cards I stupidly opened in exchange for t-shirts and bags when I first entered college, and I was getting calls multiple times a day, everyday, from those bankers. It was too much pressure that I just knew I couldn’t recover from. In my mind, the easiest solution was to just not be on this earth.

But, I traded in my self-esteem.

After seeing my dad blessed, and so happy to be blessed, it encouraged me. ‘God took care of my daddy, will He take care of me?’ is what I thought. And while I didn’t see the fruit of my answered prayer, I heard Him respond, ‘Ask and you will receive.’ So I did. I asked God to show me that He will take care of me. (That was when my daddy went to the bank and gave me $20 without me asking my daddy.)

So understanding that I had issues in my life, I learned more about who God is, and who Jesus Christ is. I understood why weak people said they were strong, and why poor people said they were rich. It was because they traded who they were for who HE is.

I traded my self-esteem for CHRIST-esteem.

I began to speak over my life the promises of God. I began to rely more on God for the things I needed. While the Lord wanted me to focus on school, when I had my breaks He brought me places to where I could apply and receive seasonal jobs. In the beginning of 2011, when I was 22, I told the Lord, “I would like to pay off all my debt except for my student loans by the end of next year.” I felt very brazen to ask such a request from God, so I got nervous after I asked, but believed He could do it. Back then I always thought, ‘I know God can do it, but will He?’ Eventually, I heard Him loud enough responding, ‘Yes, I will.’ Those words were the hope I held onto. November 2012, as I was in Chicago, I received a direct deposit from my school of money left over after paying my tuition. Do you know what I did with that money?

FIRST, I paid tithes off of it. I was so grateful to God for the lump sum that I couldn’t wait to give to my local church (especially since they do so much for the community with feeding people, clothing people, and helping people get jobs to better their own lives). SECOND, I paid off my credit card debt so all I was left with was student loans. I told my aunt and she responded, “You should’ve ask Him to pay off your student loans too.” She was right, but I wasn’t that bold at that time.

I decided to take hold of who God says I am, His promises, and His words, and as a result my life has been transformed. I no longer have a low image of myself. I now see myself as being in Christ. And my life, and the blessings on my life, reflect that everyday.

I traded my self-esteem for CHRIST-esteem!

Do you know who you are in Him? I encourage you to find out through His word.