I Traded My Self-Esteem

How does it feel to grow up believing you aren’t good enough? To grow up feeling your skin isn’t good, your hair isn’t good, your weight isn’t good, and your actions aren’t good can effect a person’s self-esteem.

I traded in my self-esteem.

I remember looking at myself in the mirror, after I have learned to love myself, and just being grateful to God for who He is. It was the love of Christ that I felt that allowed me to love myself, and others, as I have stated before, but it was also the eyes of God that allowed me to see my own beauty.

I traded in my self-esteem.

As I approach the age of 28, I am reminded of how timid, shy, and afraid I was interacting with people. I was a coward who didn’t want to take too many chances. I was a weakling who didn’t want to bulk up. I was in my own poverty, with bad credit and debt, and felt like that was just how it would be.

I traded in my self-esteem.

From when I was younger, we would always sing in church “and now, let the weak say, ‘I am strong’. Let the poor say, ‘I am rich,’ because of what the Lord has done for us.” I always sang words of encouragement, but was never encouraged, until it clicked (the word I use for “receiving an epiphany”). Growing up, I was weak and poor (in my mind, and eventually in my bank account), but I came to the point in my life where I didn’t want to stay that way.

I remember being 19 years old when I started praying to God at night, asking Him to not wake me up in the morning. I remember turning 20, and my prayer didn’t change. About a month and a half after I turned 20, in 2009, I went to go surprise my dad for his 50^th birthday. I showed up at his house out of the blue (I live in NY and he lives in SC). I remember being in his car when he received a notification that his little brother sent him a very nice monetary birthday present. My dad immediately began praising God. He told me how he was just wondering how he was going to pay some of his bills, and God used his little brother to bless him with more than what he needed. I also remember my dad giving my $20.

Why did I no longer want to live before that moment? I was hundreds of dollars overdrawn in my account, about a year past due on those credit cards I stupidly opened in exchange for t-shirts and bags when I first entered college, and I was getting calls multiple times a day, everyday, from those bankers. It was too much pressure that I just knew I couldn’t recover from. In my mind, the easiest solution was to just not be on this earth.

But, I traded in my self-esteem.

After seeing my dad blessed, and so happy to be blessed, it encouraged me. ‘God took care of my daddy, will He take care of me?’ is what I thought. And while I didn’t see the fruit of my answered prayer, I heard Him respond, ‘Ask and you will receive.’ So I did. I asked God to show me that He will take care of me. (That was when my daddy went to the bank and gave me $20 without me asking my daddy.)

So understanding that I had issues in my life, I learned more about who God is, and who Jesus Christ is. I understood why weak people said they were strong, and why poor people said they were rich. It was because they traded who they were for who HE is.

I traded my self-esteem for CHRIST-esteem.

I began to speak over my life the promises of God. I began to rely more on God for the things I needed. While the Lord wanted me to focus on school, when I had my breaks He brought me places to where I could apply and receive seasonal jobs. In the beginning of 2011, when I was 22, I told the Lord, “I would like to pay off all my debt except for my student loans by the end of next year.” I felt very brazen to ask such a request from God, so I got nervous after I asked, but believed He could do it. Back then I always thought, ‘I know God can do it, but will He?’ Eventually, I heard Him loud enough responding, ‘Yes, I will.’ Those words were the hope I held onto. November 2012, as I was in Chicago, I received a direct deposit from my school of money left over after paying my tuition. Do you know what I did with that money?

FIRST, I paid tithes off of it. I was so grateful to God for the lump sum that I couldn’t wait to give to my local church (especially since they do so much for the community with feeding people, clothing people, and helping people get jobs to better their own lives). SECOND, I paid off my credit card debt so all I was left with was student loans. I told my aunt and she responded, “You should’ve ask Him to pay off your student loans too.” She was right, but I wasn’t that bold at that time.

I decided to take hold of who God says I am, His promises, and His words, and as a result my life has been transformed. I no longer have a low image of myself. I now see myself as being in Christ. And my life, and the blessings on my life, reflect that everyday.

I traded my self-esteem for CHRIST-esteem!

Do you know who you are in Him? I encourage you to find out through His word.

How To: Love Your Enemies/Bullies - You Are MORE Than A Conqueror

Do you ever wonder why people are persecuted, especially for righteousness sake? Growing up, going to school, from the time I was in 2nd grade until I graduated 8th grade, I was bullied almost every single day by so many different people. I was hit, made fun of, pushed, and made to feel like a lesser vessel. I endured each time. I was able to brush each and every single instance of abuse off my shoulders, but only because the Lord showed me the hand of satan from even back then. I remember being in 2nd grade, and my teacher made us pair up with someone in the class to discuss something. I was paired with one of my bullies. During that assignment all he did was cry. He cried because his parents were getting a divorce. All I could do was listen, and show compassion to the best of my 7-year-old ability. The very next day when I saw him, he was back to his old bullying self, but it didn’t seem as intense. That’s one of the first times I remember the Lord speaking to me: “He is hurting. Pray for him.” So I did. I don’t remember the pray itself, but I’m sure it was something like, “Lord, I pray for ____. I hope he is okay.”

While there were many other bullies besides that one, every single one of them had the same thing in common: they were hurting. The Lord showed me, when I was in Middle School, that one of my biggest bullies was mad because she wanted the life I was living. They weren’t able to receive love from their father the way I received love from my father. The Lord even showed me how difficult her life, at the age of 12, was. I felt so terrible for her that I allowed her to continue bullying and abusing me. At a young age, I understood that hurt-people hurt people. I understood she needed an outlet for her anger, and I was that outlet. I made the decision not to tell anyone, but to just endure, and with the help of the Lord, I was able to endure. I do not recommend keeping this information to yourself, because if someone is hurting you, or someone you know, chances are the bully needs help, needs healing, and needs guidance for him or herself. Surprisingly, or not, once the Lord showed me what was going on with each of my bullies, and I began to pray for them, the severity of the bullying decreased. Not that they stopped bullying me, but the strength I received from the Lord, the endurance I received from Him, was so great that I was no longer moved.

One more example, when I was substitute teaching several years ago, I noticed this one elementary school kid was hanging out with a lot of other not so well behaved kids. After lunch, as I was teaching the class, he kept interrupting me, not loud enough for everyone to hear, but enough for me to hear. He told me how his father abused him, and went into details about the abuse. I couldn’t NOT do anything. At the end of the day, I told the principal who had to call ACS. When I saw the kid the following week, he looked so much better. He looked more focus, and more eager to learn. I recently found out the father immediately confessed to abusing the son the moment ACS got involved, and the kid was removed from his custody. I must tell you, that same kid that first told me about the abuse several years ago, I saw not too long ago. The light in his eyes were so bright, I almost cried, thankful to God for turning his situation around.

In the same way that bullies, who are hurt, try to hurt other people, the devil tries to hurt the people of God. The devil is angry with God, because he wants to be God and he can’t be. He is angry because he wants people to be his slaves, but there are those who have turned their back on him, and turned their face to Jesus. The devil wants to be worshipped and glorified, but he just isn’t good enough. So what does he do? He tries to attack the sons and daughters of the One he wants to be. He has a great mind game, but we, as believers, have the mind of Christ. The devil will use anyone who operates in his or her flesh to persecute the believer.

Why does God give us strength to endure? Jesus takes it personal when we, His believers, are persecuted for His sake. We ARE the apple of God's eye. When we are poked at, the poker is poking God in His eye. Even though I always knew this, it just clicked: When Saul (who we now know as the Apostle Paul) was killing and persecuting believers of Jesus Christ, Jesus asked him "why are you persecuting Me?" Those who are hurting cope by hurting others, but unfortunately, depending on who they are hurting, they might unknowingly be poking at the eye of God. So for all of those who are being bullied, or are having a hard time forgiving past bullies, your bully is worse off than you, and needs your prayers. The bullies need to know that our wonderful God loves them just as much as He loves us. Seek help? YES! Not just for your sake, but for theirs.

In closing, I leave you with this scripture, the words of Jesus:

Matthew 5:43-48 (NLT)

43 “You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy.44 But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! 45 In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. 46 If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. 47 If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. 48 But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.

You are stronger than you think. You are greater than the devil wants you to believe. And, you are MORE than a conqueror through HIM who loves you.

The devil is such a FAILURE!

Have you ever thought about how much of a failure the devil really is? The choice is yours: use the power and the Word of God to conquer every attack of the enemy; or allow the enemy's attack to conquer you. The Word of God is not just for you, but for your household, and whomever you choose.

How To: Love - Learn How to Love Different People

Some people do not know how to love themselves; therefore they don’t know how to love others. “Love your neighbor as yourself,” is a command that was given to us, and sums up all of the Mosaic Law. If you love your neighbor just like you love yourself, and know how to love yourself, then you will not hurt your neighbor. If someone gets you upset, would you take a bat and hit yourself over the head? No! In the same manner, you should not try to hit that person over the head. However, what about those who don’t love themselves? I know of people who love me just as they love themselves, and I could swear to you that they hate me. It may be because of who I am in Christ, and those spirits in operation inside of them that come against me, but it is not about me, and the lack of love I feel they show me. It’s about the lack of love they have for themselves.

I’ve been there before. I hated myself. I hated the way I looked, the way I dressed, how my hair looked, and so many other things. I was always able to hide my feelings well, but the sadness, anger, and depression I went through as a result was because I could not love me. MaryMary had this song back in the day called “Little Girl,” and part of the song stated “Tell you what you should do when you get up in the morning, look yourself in the mirror and say ‘I love me.’ Even with all your flaws and all of your downfalls, just be your best ‘cause to Him you already are.” So I decided every morning when I brushed my teeth I would look at myself (and I did it naked since I was a big girl) and I said, “I love me.” I didn’t believe it the first week that I said it, but then I asked the Lord to help me to love me. I asked Him to show me how HE sees me. All I wanted was to feel love. That was one of the moments Jesus revealed Himself to me. God showed me what He saw when He looked at me and it was VERY different (more like polar opposites) then how I saw myself. I didn’t understand why He saw such beauty in me, so I told Him, “I don’t understand.” He then explained it to me this way: when a child creates artwork and feels it is good, that child will love what they created. No matter how ugly or imperfect others may see it to be, the very fact that the child created the artwork makes them proud. He doesn’t see my flaws, or how imperfect I am, He looks at the fact that I am HIS creation, and sees me as good.

So there I understood that My Father loves me. I got to know My Savior, Jesus Christ, and what He did just for me (and just for you, and just for everyone else), and the Lord helped me understand… that is how much He loves me. When you get an understanding of how much someone loves you, it’s very hard to not love them back, and boy did I begin to love My God back. Understanding that He loved me THAT much, and loves everyone else that much too, I didn’t want to cause Him any hurt by hating myself or people, or by hurting myself or people. I didn’t want to do anything that would disappoint Him. And from that moment, I began to have a love for others and myself: a love for all people. I didn’t look at class, religion, race, sexual orientation, gender, or background. As hard as it is, I even try to look beyond the demonic spirits that may be in operation in people, and just see them for the soul they have. I saw people that God loved, and people that needed to experience His love for themselves.

If you have never experienced the love of God, I urge you to ask Jesus to reveal it to you. It is life transforming, and once you realize how much He loves you, it will be easier to love yourself, and love your neighbors just as yourself